Nodding to Death.

The alert among those who follow me on Twitter will have noticed that 3 nights ago, I had something of a crisis. The antidepressants which I have been taking since my first round of Tx had stopped working and I had crashed to the ground. I was (and to be honest,am) lower than a Dachshund's dangly bits. I cried out for some help and support from this tiny group, yet nobody came. It didn't occur to me, in my state, that they were perhaps busy or doing things in their own lives. No, clearly I had done something to upset or offend them and now they despised me and were laughing at my misery. Down and down I sank, like blood and tears soaking into a carpet. 


Those who have been in a similar frame of mind,  will know that depression is not just a state, it is a place, only seen in the mind's eye, but nonetheless, a place. And I was straining to see in the gloom when Death passed by with a nod and a pale grin.You don't so much see him, as sense him. I knew it was him. We've met a couple of times before, you see, and there's a unique feel to the atmosphere when he's about. He should have had me back in 1979 on a banked, wooded road in Northern Ireland. He failed and that patrol all went home in one piece.(This is the only time I will speak of that incident). This time, though I don't think I could ever go through with it myself, I started to understand how for many, the easiest thing in the world would be to go with him. I had never thought that way before and don't want to again, so I laughed at him - because that's what you have to do.


I kept tweeting and several kind souls stopped to ask if i was OK. I was so touched, but I wanted my special ones, none of whom owe me a damned second look and I don't think social media  is the place to be for instant response. I have some new magic pills now. It will take a little time for them to balance with what I was taking before. Jeez, I hope they work. 


And my dear little group of supporters?  I love you all so much. I'll probably continue to build you up into what you are not and expect far too much of you. Tell me if I'm a pain. Come to me if you can. I can never express fully my gratitude that you were here at all, and though it's not the macho way, I confess that I need you and could not do without you. Thank you. *sniffs*